Couples that come to see me often feel “stuck” because of trust and forgiveness issues. The offending partner is frustrated because she/ he has apologized for what feels like a thousand times. Meanwhile, the injured partner still does not feel heard or understood and cannot fully forgive.
We’re all bound to hurt our loved ones. How long forgiveness takes depends on the degree of injury, but also the method of apology. Here are my 6 steps of a true apology, which I’m writing to the soundtrack of AZ Yet Hard to Say I’m Sorry. (chuckle)
1) Plan ahead
Reflect and write down your apology. Writing can help you think things through and calm your nerves.
Set time aside so that both people can be fully present.
2) Take full responsibility
Name the offense with as much detail as you feel is necessary. (In the case of infidelity, avoid details can traumatize your partner).
Do not make excuses, and certainly don’t blame anyone else.
3) Empathize
Explain why you regret what you did.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Express how you think they feel and why this hurt them. (e.g. I’m putting myself in your shoes and I imagine you feel betrayed. This hurt you because you trusted me but I broke my promise.)
4) Make prevention plan
Explain to your partner what you will do in the future if a similar situation arises.
5) Propose restitution
Ask your partner what you can do to “make it up” to them. Understand that this doesn’t erase your wrongs.
Tip: pay attention to your partner’s Love Language of Apology.
6) Wait patiently
This might be the hardest part. Wait, and do not demand to be forgiven.
Ask your partner to let you know when she or he has forgiven you, and tell them you’re willing to wait.
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Is your marriage or relationship suffering because of unhealed wounds?
