I was chatting with my friend Lahoma, the owner & wedding expert of Events Unleashed about wedding preparation. Since she knows I specialize in premarital counseling, she asked me an excellent question: why do so many engaged couples avoid premarital preparation and education?
After all, couples spend tireless hours shopping for the perfect ring, dress, planner, and venue. Why won’t some spend a few hours with a relationship expert to gain confidence before making a life-long commitment?
From my experience working with engaged couples (and struggling newly-weds that wished they were better prepared for marriage), I’ve learned these 5 major reasons:
We’re Too Busy
Couples are often rushing to the finish line, fighting to meet one deadline after next. Due to the time crunch, they may focus on wedding planning over marriage preparation. I encourage you to take a moment to breathe, and to consider your priorities. I wish you the most magical wedding night, but the quality of the days and years after is what defines success.
When couples ask me when they should start premarital counseling, I recommend 6 months before the wedding, ideally. 12-weeks or less beforehand is doable but the earlier you start, the more benefits you may experience (e.g. improved communication, decreased conflict, reduced wedding planning stress etc.)
We’re Skeptical
Is this really going to help? Is it worth the time and financial commitment? Those are completely understandable questions to ask. Research indicates that premarital education and counseling can improve marital satisfaction, the quality of interaction, and increase willingness to seek help later on when couples hit bumps in the road. Some couples may think, “hey, we’ve talked about everything already” – and that’s great! In that case, premarital education can affirm your individual and relational strengths.
We’re Worried About Wedding Costs
Weddings can be expensive, and I get that. Researchers found that the average wedding in the US costs $30,000. Phew! Allocating only 10% of that budget equals $3,000. Many brides would easily spend that amount on a dress they only wear for one night, but not towards premarital preparation. That’s not criticism – I’m just trying to put priorities into perspective. Fortunately, my services are much more affordable than that. Consider it an investment towards your future together, and a gift to your partner. Couples even get $60 off their marriage licenses afterwards, as a bonus!
We’re Nervous
Feeling apprehensive towards what may come up during session is normal. That’s why I offer a strength-based approach that celebrates couples’ diversities and honors their experiences. My goal is to help couples understand their individual and relational strengths so they know how to appreciate and support one another better. You’ll also identify areas of growth and learn tools to help navigate this journey. This is by no means a pass/ fail test.
If couples are nervous to address certain topics, that’s more the reason to do so before the wedding so they don’t become causes of frustration or conflict later. I encourage you to be open-minded and excited to learn deeply about your future spouse – I can make this a fun and fruitful process for you.
We Don’t Know Who To Pick
Aah, picking the right counselor is an important decision. I’m not actually here to convince you to pick me because until we meet, we won’t know if we’re the best fit for each other. Instead, here is a list of questions to ask when you shop around that can help you decide:
- – What are your experiences in working with couples?
- – What are your credentials? Are you a licensed counselor/ couples & family therapist?
- – We’re not the typical couple. How will you meet our diverse needs?
- – How comfortable are you with addressing issues of spirituality/ culture/ sexuality?
- – Do you offer free consultation? What about follow-up sessions after the wedding?
If you’re currently planning your wedding, congratulations! I hope this article was helpful for you. Feel free to contact me for a free 20-minute consultation (over the phone or in person) to see if I’m a good fit for you. I’ll gladly answer all your questions.
If you know an engaged couple that could use this info, please do pass it along, thanks!
