The New York Times recently published an article where relationship experts contributed 13 questions that they think couples should discuss before marriage. Generally, the questions prompt partners to check for fit and suitability, which I agree is important.
But to that, I want to add 8 more questions to the conversation. My questions are a bit different. They are intended to help couples: deepen mutual understanding, be more prepared in the face of conflict to prevent escalation, increase shared empathy, and recognize triggers that require special care.
These questions are meant to facilitate important, but also potentially difficult and uncomfortable dialogue. Be sure to intentionally set time apart to have these chats. Together in the bathroom while getting ready for work is definitely not a good time 🙂
8 more questions to ask before getting married:
14. How were you praised as a child? How were you criticized?
15. How did your parents show affection? How did they show conflict? What was it like seeing that as a child?
16. What tragedies have your family members faced? How do they talk about those events today?
17. How did your family handle divorce and remarriages? What are your views today?
18. Can you tell me about the time when you were made to feel humiliated or belittled? If you ever feel that way, how can I best comfort you?
19. If we become emotionally elevated during conflict, what’s the best way to ask for a “time out”?
20. When I offend you, what are some ways to ask for forgiveness? (e.g. give space, talk it out, write a letter)
Related: How To Say I’m Sorry: 6 Steps to Apology & Forgiveness
21. What were the most common feelings you experienced when your needs or desires were not met?
BONUS QUESTION: How much do you love pugs?
Yuzu loving blue bonnets | Austin Counselor and Couples & Marriage Therapist, Melody Li LMFTA in Downtown, East Austin
Planning for the big “I do”, or know someone that is? Feel free to share this article with them.
Did you know that I offer premarital counseling? If you’re curious, please contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I’m a good fit!
